Blog #7, Revising Two Paragraphs

ORIGINAL:

     “Another core concept of the Effective Altruism movement is the idea of replaceability. Southan summarizes this concept as “the only good that counts is what you accomplish over and above what the next person would have done in your place.” This concept can be further summarized as: the good you have done in your life, minus the good that others would have done in your place, equals the good that you have personally contributed. This EA policy makes sense when you consider the fact that if you didn’t exist, someone else would probably contribute the same amount or more than you did. The only problem with this logic is that it what “someone in your place” contributes is virtually unquantifiable. The Effective Altruism Movement’s overall goal of implementing this policy is to make the average citizen contribute as much as they can, and to keep contributing more and more.”

REVISED:

     “Another core concept of the Effective Altruism movement is the idea of replaceability. Southan summarizes this concept as “the only good that counts is what you accomplish over and above what the next person would have done in your place.” This concept can be further summarized as: “the good you have done in your life, minus the good that others would have done in your place, equals the good that you have personally contributed.” This EA policy is a straightforward concept when you consider the fact that if you didn’t exist, someone else would probably contribute the same amount or more than you did to society. The only problem with this logic is what “someone in your place” contributes is not directly calculable. The Effective Altruism movement’s overall goal of implementing this policy is to make the average citizen contribute as much as they can, and to keep contributing more and more “good” to mankind.”

*Revisions Underlined

ORIGINAL:

     “The Effective Altruism movement revolves around the idea that resources and labor should be used to better society. If those resources are not directly being used to improve human’s conditions, then it is a waste of time and supplies. Effective Altruists believe that people who do not contribute tangible goods and labor to society are wasting their potential, and the contributions they could potentially contribute. This belief stands in stark contrast to that of Titus Kaphar, who believes that art can be used to better society by changing people’s perceptions of past events and historical paintings, sculptures, and other artwork.“

REVISED:

     “The Effective Altruism movement revolves around the idea that resources and labor should solely be used to better society. If those specific resources are not directly being used to improve human conditions, then it is a waste of time and supplies. Effective Altruists believe that people who do not contribute tangible goods and labor to society are wasting their potential, and the contributions they could potentially contribute. This belief stands in stark contrast to that of Titus Kaphar, who believes that art can, and should be used to better society by changing people’s perceptions of past events and historical paintings, sculptures, and other artwork.“

*Revisions Underlined

Overall, I didn’t add or remove any ideas, but I clarified the existing ones. I feel like my word choice was a little awkward in some parts of the paragraphs. By clarifying my word choice and specific ideas, my essay will definitely be easier to read.